Grief

 The word grief, according to Webster's dictionary is "deep and poignant distress caused by or was if by bereavement." or "trouble, annoyance.'  This is the "clinical" definition of grief.  The personal and reality of grief is a deep aching in your physical, mental and spiritual body.  A hurt that cuts so deep that there are days you feel you cant go on.  You don't want to get out of bed, you don't care if you shower, you don't want to show any emotion, for fear of being judged by well meaning people.  

I thought I knew what grief was like.  I have lost all four grandparents, my mother in law, cousins and friends.  You think you are "brave" and able to handle whatever comes your way.  Then, out of nowhere, you lose the love of your life, your soulmate, your life partner who knows every single "secret" you wouldn't dare share with anyone else, ever!!  William and I were together 29 1/2 years and married all but four of those months.  He was the best part of me.  He cooled my hotheaded self off, before I did something I would regret.  He was our kids "buffer" from me and my craziness.  To say I miss him is an extreme understatement. The hole left in my heart and life is larger than the Grand Canyon.  

Grief, to me, is putting on a brave face and smile and carrying on for myself and our kids.  I could totally let grief consume my entire being and crawl in a hole and never come out.  However, that is not what God, nor William would want me to do.  Ok, so I feel like all I did was ramble today, but I just needed to get some feelings out and help me through this process!!

Until next time I post...