Nine months and our first Christmas

 Nine months, 3/4 of a year and William is missed more than I can even explain.  Some days, I can completely relate to why older people can die of a broken heart.  The physical pain can be debilitating!!  Some days, the grief overcomes me and it feels like a scab being ripped off over and over.  I know God is in control and I am being carried in His mighty hands, but some days it is harder to put one foot in front of the other.  I would never wish William to be back and in pain, but man oh man, I sure do miss his and his shenanigans!!

Today, we celebrated our first Christmas without him.  It was definitely different and we are missing him, but we know William wouldn't want us to wallow in our sorrows and pity.  We are continuing some old traditions and making some new ones.  We still read the Bible story, from Luke 2 and we used Williams bible, so that was special to us.  I know he is having the time of his life, celebrating Jesus birthday in His presence!!  Merry Christmas to all of our family and friends!!

Eight months?!?!?!?!?!

 How on earth can eight months seem so long ago, and yet just like yesterday?  March 21, 2020 was a sunny, spring Saturday.  Today, is Saturday, November 21, 2020 and it is dreary and cool here in Raytown.  Eight months ago, we knew we were getting close to the end of having you with us.  We knew Jesus was about to usher you into His presence.  We knew you were about to be healed from your broken earthly shell.  You were about to run on streets of gold and move like you never had before.  We were excited for your healing, yet grieving the holes that were to be left in our hearts.  To have the mixed emotions are still hard to describe.  

Grief

 The word grief, according to Webster's dictionary is "deep and poignant distress caused by or was if by bereavement." or "trouble, annoyance.'  This is the "clinical" definition of grief.  The personal and reality of grief is a deep aching in your physical, mental and spiritual body.  A hurt that cuts so deep that there are days you feel you cant go on.  You don't want to get out of bed, you don't care if you shower, you don't want to show any emotion, for fear of being judged by well meaning people.  

I thought I knew what grief was like.  I have lost all four grandparents, my mother in law, cousins and friends.  You think you are "brave" and able to handle whatever comes your way.  Then, out of nowhere, you lose the love of your life, your soulmate, your life partner who knows every single "secret" you wouldn't dare share with anyone else, ever!!  William and I were together 29 1/2 years and married all but four of those months.  He was the best part of me.  He cooled my hotheaded self off, before I did something I would regret.  He was our kids "buffer" from me and my craziness.  To say I miss him is an extreme understatement. The hole left in my heart and life is larger than the Grand Canyon.  

Grief, to me, is putting on a brave face and smile and carrying on for myself and our kids.  I could totally let grief consume my entire being and crawl in a hole and never come out.  However, that is not what God, nor William would want me to do.  Ok, so I feel like all I did was ramble today, but I just needed to get some feelings out and help me through this process!!

Until next time I post...

So many changes

 Seven and a half years since I have posted anything on here. I decided it was time to come back and give this another try.  As for the many changes we have experienced, I will give it a shot to put it all out there.

First, all the kids have graduated from high school and are either working full time or going to school full time.  Emerald just turned 28m yesterday, and works full-time as an IA in a local middle school and also holds down a part time job.  She gives 150% at all she does and has become my "right hand man."  Nathaniel is 24 1/2 and works at a local workshop.  He is thriving and doing amazing there, oftentimes being used as a backup lead worker.  He won't let Aspergers hold him back!!  So very proud of him and his accomplishments!!  Noah is now 22 and works for a local security company.  He started out at Royals and Chiefs security directly after graduation.  He loves working in security and is thriving and blossoming in his career.  Rebekkah is 19 and a sophomore at MU, but now doing online classes and working toward a business degree.  She also works part time at a local grocery store.  These kids continue to blow me away and amaze me with becoming the amazing young adults that I prayed they would become!!!

Second, we experienced homelessness for seven months.  This was definitely not something we ever thought we would face.  It was a trying experience not knowing from one day to the next where we might be sleeping at night.  God provided, ALWAYS, a place for us to lay our weary heads.  It varied from a local hotel to various friends allowed us to housesit over the holidays and then some very dear friend let us land in her "dungeon" (as she affectionately called it.)  We were there from February until the end of May this year.  We never knew what a blessing that would be until Williams health failed and he ended up on hospice and palliative care.  They are now more than friends, instead they have become family!!

Third, as I stated in the last paragraph, William went on hospice and palliative care.  He had an unsuccessful Melody Valve placement on February 17th this year.  He made it off the table, but ended up with bilateral abdominal bleeds and never recovered.  He was tired, physically and mentally, and decided that hospice and palliative care was the best choice for him.  He entered St. Luke's Hospice, at home, on March 9th and he got his healing and entered Heaven to be with Jesus on March 21st.  With being in our friends "dungeon", we were able to fulfill his wishes and he was not alone and he was not in the hospital.  The kids and I were at his side, as he entered the gates of Heaven.  While we miss him terribly, we are happy to know that he is no longer in pain and no longer suffering.  

As for me, I was able to use FMLA and spend nearly all of 2020 with him, caring for him and making memories that I will cherish forever!!  It may have been as simple as laying next to him, holding his hand, or listening to the classic country music we enjoyed in the beginning of our marriage.Those are memories that no amount of money could replace.  God is good!!!  I am now back to work, but doing virtual IA and helping the amazing SpEd teacher I work with.

The kids and I are now in our own home, just behind our bonus family.  ;)  At this point, we know we are exactly where God has us, for this season of our lives.  We have always been a close knit family and have become even closer and tighter knit than ever before.  We still grieve the absence of William, and some days are much harder than others, but we continue to lean on God and each other for comfort and peace.

I intend to try and blog more, as a way to heal and grow in so many areas of my life.  If you want, feel free to follow us on this new journey in our lives!!

It has been FOREVER since I have posted on here.  I can't come up with a good reason why, so I will not even pretend to have an explaination!!   We are all hanging in there. Emerald is home this school year, the other three are in public shool, I work and William is holding his own.  Continuing to trust in God every day of our lives!!!

April is upon us!!

Wow, how time flies!  Winter drug for what seemed like forever here in MO.  I think we have finally turned the corner into spring and I could not be happier.  :-)   Much has happened since my last post.  Emerald has finished her first semester in college and is getting acclimated to campus life(so much so, I have a hard time getting her to come home for a visit.)  She has an amazing opportunity to go to Chicago for a summer internship!!  God is amazing and faithful in providing her this chance to reach out and minister to children in a place she would not have been able to do otherwise. 

Rebekkah has recently hit "double digits" and I am amazed to see what a wonderful young lady she is becoming!!!  She continues to dance and made team this year!   Needless to say, she has little spare time to do much else but loves being busy.  Hard to believe my baby has a busier social calendar than I do.  lol

Noah is honing in on being a full fledged teenager!  How on Earth did this happen???  He also dances and loves it.  He is 110% boy and can usually be seen running Mach 6 with his hair on fire.  Bike riding, tree climbing playing in the neighborhood with anyone that comes within 100 feet if him.

William and I continue to be the tired parents of four amazing children.  They are true blessings from God.  We cherish each and every day we get to spend with them, molding and shaping them into the adults we desire for them to become.

No, I have not forgotten Nathaniel.  In fact, he is the reason I decided to post today.  April brings us to Autism Awareness Month and this holds a special place in my heart.  As many of you know, Nathaniel has Asperger Syndrome, which falls under the autism "umbrella."  While raising a child with "special needs" is a challenge, it is one I would not trade for the world.  Sometimes I have wondered "why me?" and "why him?" but I have learned to embrace our unique situation and delve deeper into learning as much as I can.  Thus, I can help Nathaniel, myself and anyone who happens to meet him.  We are learning more everyday, trying our best to remember that God is carrying us through this learning process.  That He is more than able to equip us to raise this amazing young man.  Have you ever wondered why some things are allowed to come our way?  Yeah, me too, but I am learning that while all of us want that "perfect" family and want things to be just "so", that is not reality.  I am the mother of four very different, distinct personalities and I want to embrace everyday with  a love and passion for them, as my Heavenly Father has for me.  While dealing with Nathaniel and some of the struggles we face, I think how much God must wish I would not do things to make Him think, "what on Earth are you doing THAT for?"  I know many times I have thought that about things Nathaniel does and/or says.  My love for him does not change, much like God's love for me doesn't change when I do off the wall things.  Nathaniel is teaching me far more than I ever thought I could ever learn from one person!!  So, all this rambling to say, thank you God for giving me the opportunity to be part of the plan you have for Nathaniel's life.  He is a true blessing and I know You will guide me through this journey and will help me face each day with a new outlook.  YOU ARE AMAZING!!!!

Dear Old Man Winter,

As much as I love the many aspects of the winter season, celebrating Jesus' birthday, a new year and maybe even a touch of snow. I really want you to GO AWAY!!!!! Enough is enough.

Love,

Michelle

Goodbye 2010, Hello 2011!!!!

Wow, what amazing time in our lives!!!! 2010 brought about many changes in our lives. We continue to face many things daily, some easy and some challenging ones, but with God's grace we face them with our heads held high.

2010 brought us to our 19th wedding anniversary, how on Earth did that happen??? Seems just yesterday we were newlyweds!!!!! Praising God for the wonderful covenant of marriage and the challenges that accompany it. Emerald graduated from being homeschooled. A bittersweet time for all of us!! She started at Evagel University in August, a private Christian college that God has allowed her to attend!! She is thriving and doing well and is looking forward to returning after Christmas break. She also pulled a fast one and turned 18 on us this year!!!! How in the world did time go fast?? I all did was blink and she was an amazing young woman before my eyes!!!!! We thank God for her and her determination every day of our lives!!!

Nathaniel turned 14 and continues to amaze and challenge us daily!!! He definitely keeps us hopping and on our game. He is truly a gift from God and we are blessed to call him ours.

Noah turned 12, even though he keeps telling me he is only 11. lol He is our child of fearing nothing. In addition to his second year of dance, he loves to be outside and playing most of the time.

Rebekkah, ah sweet Rebekkah. LOL Our baby turned nine but seems to be going on 29 in her attitude and abilities. She made dance team this year, an accomplishment she has worked hard for!!

William and I continue to thank God for these beautiful children we have been given to care for until Jesus return. We feel honored and priviledged for this opportunity. We continue to homeschool, well William does that, and I am blessed to still have ajob to go to daily.

2010 was also full of challenges, whether it was facing situations with the kids that were more than we humanly could face, surgery for me, finding out the return of cancer in William's mom or just day to day life. We continue to handle them gracefully, with God holding us up in His everlasting arms!!!

As a facebook friend of mine posted this week, for 2011 I won't make resolutions but have expectations!!! Expectations of miraculous things to come. Expectations of being able to handle life's obstacles with poise and grace. With God ALL things are possible.

So goodbye 2010 and hello 2011!!!

Trying times

OK, so life is a bowl of "issues" everyday, but recently Satan has been on the prowl in the Farley house. He is rearing his ugly head at every turn. Maybe because I am off on medical leave, maybe because Emerald is gone to college, maybe because.....oh I don't know, maybe because I am human, I have been more easily convinced that Satan wants to condemn all I say and do. *sigh* I know that this is not what God wants for us, He wants us to be victorious!! I am just truly struggling these days to keep treading water and keep my head above to keep from feeling like I am drowning. I continue to leave on Jesus' loving arms and rebuke Satan's attacks, but would truly appreciate any and all prayers for us right now.

Been a while..

I have not fallen off the face of the earth, contrary to popular belief!!! lol Life is keeping me busy, in one form or another. Since August we have: moved Emerald to college, moved to a new home, continue to homeschool the other three kids, I worked and worked some more. Last week I had surgery and am trying to adjust to this thing called.....resting. lol I never knew what just rest meant. It is a hard thing for someone who is used to working all the time to do. lol I am learning slowly though, I have about enough energy for one outing a day( church, doctor's appt, picking up my paycheck stub) then I am shot. *Never* in my life did I think that this would be an issue for me. Praising God for the wonders he does for and through me on a daily basis. This has been a reminder that through God ALL things are possible.

While I am learning this rest thing, I am soooooo enjoying being around my babies who are home. I have helped with their school work, at their request, daily. I truly feel blessed to be in a position to have them home with me(sure do miss Em though.) They are some of the best medicine a mama could ask for during the recovery phase after surgery!!! William is amazing too, always has been for nearing in on TWENTY years!!! He is almost like the mother hen. lol

Friends and family have kept the food coming, so we are not starving(not that that was ever a fear around our house) and feel blessed and loved like never before. We love all of you very much!!!! Until next time........

A new day

Today I will be heading to the hospital for surgery. Please pray for God's guidance and direction for the doctors today!!!

August 13, 2010

Amongst many things, Noah's birthday party tonight, eye doctor appt times six this morning, arriving at the DMV only to find out I am now required to present my birth certificate to renew my driver's license, I am turning another year older today, Friday the 13th of August. lol While many people shy away from celebrating and rejoicing in another year here, I count it a blessing to celebrate another year. I was not alwys so upbeat about birthdays, but in 2001 I lost my dear uncle to staph infection after a successful stem cell transplant for multiple myeloma, Uncle Roger only got 46 burthdays. Ever since then, I count it a blessing to be blessed with yet another birthday. Thank you Lord for letting me celebrate another year with my family, to love on my kids, husband and anyone who comes my way. While life is nothing short of chaotic 99% of the time, I am blessed beyond measure and praise God daily for holding my hand through this journey here on earth. I praise him for carrying me when I feel I can not go another step, HE is there picking me up, dusting me off and loving on me like no other. Thank you Lord for blessing me more than I deserve. Most of all thank you for loving me even though I am far from perfect and fail You daily. I am truly blessed beyond any measure my pea brain could fathom!!!!

Randon thoughts...

While I don't fancy myself a bible scholar nor an eloquent writer, I feel led to share some thoughts tonight. While I have been having some issues lately, simple health issues, while I was out mowing tonight I felt God speak to my heart. I have been having a pity party, of sorts, while I muddle through these issues. Feeling sorry for myself, because I am on antibiotics *again*, because I feel like I am working all the time and going nowhere fast at my job, because I am preparing to send Emerald to college next month, because I struggle dealing with Nathaniel and his Asperger Syndrome, because Noah inadvertently makes me feel bad because he never sees me, because Rebekkah makes me feel unappreciated and because I feel I let William down since I seem to be too busy to do the "wife and mother" things I NEED to be doing at home. OK, I realize that was a huge run on sentence but you get my drift, I am feeling sorry for myself. Tonight as I was mowing though God spoke to me and showed me a few things, gave me some things to think about during my "me" time behind the mower.

So, here goes.....while I am dealing with many, many things right now. While I feel like my plate is full to overflowing and more keeps getting heaped on. I am NOT watching in a hospital as my child struggles for their very life, after undergoing a major medical "experimental treatment" for a health issue, I am blessed to have my children all living here under my roof (until Emerald leaves for college next month), I am blessed to have a loving husband still with me after nearly TWENTY years, I am not jobless nor homeless nor starving. He reminded me that no matter how "rough" things may get it is He who is carrying me through, I am not doing this on my own, I am no where near capable of doing this job alone, I need HIM to get me through. When I feel like life is more than I can bear, when I feel like screaming and crying, when I feel like having a pity party for myself, that I am blessed beyond measure. That He allows me to struggle through and it is He who gives me the strength to make it through every day. He is watching me to see my response to the things that come my way, am I going to run away from Him or *to* Him?? While it seems like the "duh factor" should take over, it is ultimately a choice, my choice, to lean on Him. To let Him carry my through each day.

Congratulations if you made it this far in my rambling. I truly have been remiss in keeping this blog updated. I am working lots of hours, doing lots of massages, getting paperwork stuff together for Emerald to head to college in August but all excuses aside I promise to try and keep updates coming in a timely fashion.

Praising God through the good times and the bad. Thanking Him for opening the eyes of my heart and my mind tonight, reminding me that He is in control of every moment of my life!!!

Michelle

Alive and kicking..

We are alive and kicking in KC. Been way too long since I posted but life is incredibly crazy and busy for us. Getting Emerald ready for college, how did *that* happen, she was just a baby wasn't she??? The rest of us are busy doing many things too. God is good to us and we are praising him for all we are blessed with every day!!! Will post more updated pics soon.

Michelle

Thanksgiving and other random thoughts

Well, we survived Thanksgiving, sans William, but were blessed beyond measure. It was a rough beginning to the week, William flew out Sunday morning to Texas. His Granny passed away last Saturday and he flew down for the funeral and spent Thanksgiving with his parents, brother, sister in law, and niece(the nephews were unable to make it) He enjoyed himself, for which I am very grateful. While we we realllly missed him here in KC, we were also very happy he had the chance to be with his family this Thanksgiving.

I, personally, had a rough and emotional week. Many thigns contributed to this but am now on an even keel and rolling along nicely. lol While the kids were home alone, man do I *ever* appreciate that William is home normally, and I was working things were very interesting around our home. The kids argued(nothing new) and I called to check and be sure there was no bloodshed. I was home in the evenings and listened to more arguing and tattling(do they *ever* outgrow this????!!!!!) We ate whatever we could find for dinners, layed around and then repeated the same thing the next day.

Wednesday evening Emerald made SIX pies for Thanksgiving at my mom's house. I thought six pies was excessive, being as there were only gonna be 12 people there but mom/grandma asked for six pies. Well, surprise!!!!! There were 18 of us there......my sister and her family drove up from Texas to spend Thanksgiving in KC!!!! We were all surprised and very excited, we had not seen them since last December. So we spent Thursday at mom's with family and she and her family spent yesterday with her hubby's family. My parents are divorced and mom has been married to David for 19 year, he has three children from his first marriage too. For the the first time in......FOREVER, all five adult children were present and accounted for. We also had all eleven grandkids together. I got some photos, still in my camera, and will post soon.

Yesterday, the kids and I surprised William and picked him up from the airport!!! When he left things were up in the air as to who would pick him up. I simply told him to look for a familiar face. The look on his face was priceless when he saw not one but five familiar faces yesterday afternoon. He said "Ya'll aren't supposed to be here" lol I told the kids we may as well leave then. William was having none of that and happily followed us to the van and came home.

Emerald has begun watching my two year old nephew every other weekend, or so, and we dropped her off. Sounds stupid, but I truly miss her. lol I know, I know, she is 17 and not my *baby* but I miss having her home. She is maturing and spreading her wings, for which I am grateful, but man it is hard on the mama when they grow up. LOL

OK, enough rambling from KC. Off to clean house, please don't be jealous, and enjoy what sounds to be a FANTASTIC late November day here in KC.

Just rambling

Well, we are actively looking for colleges for Emerald. She has been scouring the internet for information. She is most interested in Christian colleges, as she is wanting to study music and youth ministry. She is receiving stuff in the mail several days a week. Sometimes I am NOT ready for her to go, other times I am searching for colleges in a foriegn country. lol Anyone know of good or bad experiences at colleges. This is all new territory for us.

We had Nathaniel evaluated for Asperger's. He has been diagnosed and we are trying to seek out resources but are not having much success. Anyone know of resources out there?? We are hitting a brick wall in our search. He keeps asking what exactly Asperger's is and we are having a hard time explaining it to him, even at 13. *sigh*

Emerald and Nathaniel are headed to youth convention in the Branson area this weekend. They are stoked and ready to go. Lots of loud music, services and food; what else could teenagers ask for right?? Please pray for the safety of our youth and the sanity of our youth minister and the sponsors. I pray for safe travel and a special outpouring of the Holy Spirit on each and every teen attending.

OK, off to put Rebekkah to bed since she is now sniffing my feet. She is one weird cookie. Emerald says she gets that trait from her. SISTERS!!!!!

November 5, 1992......

We were blessed beyond measure by this beautiful daughter we call Emerald Renee!!! We were very anxious to meet this wonderful child and had not a clue that you could fall in love with someone from the very second you laid eyes on them. Emerald showed us that it is very possible!! She stole our hearts from the very time she was born, 8:20PM, on that very special Thursday in 1992. She continues to amaze and bless us daily, even seventeen years later. She is our jewel that can never become dull or dingy over time. She continues to let her light shine every day. Her love of God and life continues to amaze me today and every day!! Emerald, I am so blessed and I thank God everyday for the wonderful young lady he gave me. Love, Mom A few years back, playing at the park!!!

August this year, Crown Center, with ther new hair style. We had just had lunch and she was preparing to run in the fountains.

Part of her "Sweet Sixteen" phot shoot. Just a mom and her baby girl playing around. :-D

Emerald at three months old, I just LOVE this picture of her!!!

Emerald Renee, November 7th, 1992, just two days old. We continue to be blessed every day of our lives by this amazing jewel from God!!!

Happy birthday, Noah!!!!

Eleven years ago today we were blessed to have Noah William, enter our family. I am so very proud to call him mine!!! Here are a few of my favorite pics from over the years!! I hope you enjoy them as much as I do. Happy birthday to our little "Boatman!!"


Just this summer at Kaleidoscope, dancing in the submarine between art projects!!! That;s my baby boy, always ready to entertain!!!

Hammin' it up and alway ready with a smile!!

Noah at three, loved his Blues Clues!!

Noah at 6 weeks, bored with the camera already!!!! :-D

Newborn Noah William!!!! 08/10/98

A few more pics

Waiting "patiently" to go back and ply in the fountains!! NOT!!!

Two drowned rats!!!

Playing in the fountain's at Crown Center, just Noah and Rebekkah, the other two were swimming with the youth.

WHat 13 year old boys do when they are bored.....find the silly play glasses and wear bandana's on their head. Gotta love it!!!!

William and I at Kaleidoscope with Noah and Rebekkah. No, William is not asleep!!! ;-P

Noah making some new creation at Kaleidoscope, a local kid's artsy place. They use LOTS of leftover stuff from the Hallmark factory here in KC.

Rebekkah, painting with melted crayon. LOVE this activity as an adult but I refrained and let Rebekkah do it instead. :-D

MckMama, if you read this post, this place reminds me of someplace you would *love* to take your kiddos. All sorts of fun thingsto do in there, so if you ever head to KC from the Frozen, now thawed, Tundra give me a ring and we will go and have lots of fun. Emerald could help us chase kids. She loves the place too but it would look funny me dragging a 16 year old in there to make crafts!!!

Another recital picture of Rebekkah, this was the High School Musical number she was in.

Love,

Michelle

Just a quick up date and pictures

It has been a while since I last posted so here is a tiny update and a few pics. William gets his pacemaker replaced this Friday, please pray for all to go smoothly. All the "textbook" cases are same day, but we all know William is far from "textbook" when is comes to his heart and surgery. Love ya babe!!!!!!

Been busy with work, church, kids and youth activities at curch. Dance recital and well, you get the picture. Enjoy the pics I am adding.

Rebekkah and William, father/daughter dance at recital. The song was Bandstand Boogie, very cute but man was daddy worn out!!!

Picture off most of the grandkids, when Govea's came to town for two weeks. Gotta love grandma and grandpa's back yard pool!!! We are missing only Samantha, everyone else was there that day.

Emerald, Ashley and Travis, these guys have been friends for going on 11 years!!! This was travis' graduation party!!
Noah, being his cute self.

The Farley's, Memorial Day weekend, Sunday at church.