Nine months and our first Christmas

 Nine months, 3/4 of a year and William is missed more than I can even explain.  Some days, I can completely relate to why older people can die of a broken heart.  The physical pain can be debilitating!!  Some days, the grief overcomes me and it feels like a scab being ripped off over and over.  I know God is in control and I am being carried in His mighty hands, but some days it is harder to put one foot in front of the other.  I would never wish William to be back and in pain, but man oh man, I sure do miss his and his shenanigans!!

Today, we celebrated our first Christmas without him.  It was definitely different and we are missing him, but we know William wouldn't want us to wallow in our sorrows and pity.  We are continuing some old traditions and making some new ones.  We still read the Bible story, from Luke 2 and we used Williams bible, so that was special to us.  I know he is having the time of his life, celebrating Jesus birthday in His presence!!  Merry Christmas to all of our family and friends!!

Eight months?!?!?!?!?!

 How on earth can eight months seem so long ago, and yet just like yesterday?  March 21, 2020 was a sunny, spring Saturday.  Today, is Saturday, November 21, 2020 and it is dreary and cool here in Raytown.  Eight months ago, we knew we were getting close to the end of having you with us.  We knew Jesus was about to usher you into His presence.  We knew you were about to be healed from your broken earthly shell.  You were about to run on streets of gold and move like you never had before.  We were excited for your healing, yet grieving the holes that were to be left in our hearts.  To have the mixed emotions are still hard to describe.  

Grief

 The word grief, according to Webster's dictionary is "deep and poignant distress caused by or was if by bereavement." or "trouble, annoyance.'  This is the "clinical" definition of grief.  The personal and reality of grief is a deep aching in your physical, mental and spiritual body.  A hurt that cuts so deep that there are days you feel you cant go on.  You don't want to get out of bed, you don't care if you shower, you don't want to show any emotion, for fear of being judged by well meaning people.  

I thought I knew what grief was like.  I have lost all four grandparents, my mother in law, cousins and friends.  You think you are "brave" and able to handle whatever comes your way.  Then, out of nowhere, you lose the love of your life, your soulmate, your life partner who knows every single "secret" you wouldn't dare share with anyone else, ever!!  William and I were together 29 1/2 years and married all but four of those months.  He was the best part of me.  He cooled my hotheaded self off, before I did something I would regret.  He was our kids "buffer" from me and my craziness.  To say I miss him is an extreme understatement. The hole left in my heart and life is larger than the Grand Canyon.  

Grief, to me, is putting on a brave face and smile and carrying on for myself and our kids.  I could totally let grief consume my entire being and crawl in a hole and never come out.  However, that is not what God, nor William would want me to do.  Ok, so I feel like all I did was ramble today, but I just needed to get some feelings out and help me through this process!!

Until next time I post...

So many changes

 Seven and a half years since I have posted anything on here. I decided it was time to come back and give this another try.  As for the many changes we have experienced, I will give it a shot to put it all out there.

First, all the kids have graduated from high school and are either working full time or going to school full time.  Emerald just turned 28m yesterday, and works full-time as an IA in a local middle school and also holds down a part time job.  She gives 150% at all she does and has become my "right hand man."  Nathaniel is 24 1/2 and works at a local workshop.  He is thriving and doing amazing there, oftentimes being used as a backup lead worker.  He won't let Aspergers hold him back!!  So very proud of him and his accomplishments!!  Noah is now 22 and works for a local security company.  He started out at Royals and Chiefs security directly after graduation.  He loves working in security and is thriving and blossoming in his career.  Rebekkah is 19 and a sophomore at MU, but now doing online classes and working toward a business degree.  She also works part time at a local grocery store.  These kids continue to blow me away and amaze me with becoming the amazing young adults that I prayed they would become!!!

Second, we experienced homelessness for seven months.  This was definitely not something we ever thought we would face.  It was a trying experience not knowing from one day to the next where we might be sleeping at night.  God provided, ALWAYS, a place for us to lay our weary heads.  It varied from a local hotel to various friends allowed us to housesit over the holidays and then some very dear friend let us land in her "dungeon" (as she affectionately called it.)  We were there from February until the end of May this year.  We never knew what a blessing that would be until Williams health failed and he ended up on hospice and palliative care.  They are now more than friends, instead they have become family!!

Third, as I stated in the last paragraph, William went on hospice and palliative care.  He had an unsuccessful Melody Valve placement on February 17th this year.  He made it off the table, but ended up with bilateral abdominal bleeds and never recovered.  He was tired, physically and mentally, and decided that hospice and palliative care was the best choice for him.  He entered St. Luke's Hospice, at home, on March 9th and he got his healing and entered Heaven to be with Jesus on March 21st.  With being in our friends "dungeon", we were able to fulfill his wishes and he was not alone and he was not in the hospital.  The kids and I were at his side, as he entered the gates of Heaven.  While we miss him terribly, we are happy to know that he is no longer in pain and no longer suffering.  

As for me, I was able to use FMLA and spend nearly all of 2020 with him, caring for him and making memories that I will cherish forever!!  It may have been as simple as laying next to him, holding his hand, or listening to the classic country music we enjoyed in the beginning of our marriage.Those are memories that no amount of money could replace.  God is good!!!  I am now back to work, but doing virtual IA and helping the amazing SpEd teacher I work with.

The kids and I are now in our own home, just behind our bonus family.  ;)  At this point, we know we are exactly where God has us, for this season of our lives.  We have always been a close knit family and have become even closer and tighter knit than ever before.  We still grieve the absence of William, and some days are much harder than others, but we continue to lean on God and each other for comfort and peace.

I intend to try and blog more, as a way to heal and grow in so many areas of my life.  If you want, feel free to follow us on this new journey in our lives!!

It has been FOREVER since I have posted on here.  I can't come up with a good reason why, so I will not even pretend to have an explaination!!   We are all hanging in there. Emerald is home this school year, the other three are in public shool, I work and William is holding his own.  Continuing to trust in God every day of our lives!!!

April is upon us!!

Wow, how time flies!  Winter drug for what seemed like forever here in MO.  I think we have finally turned the corner into spring and I could not be happier.  :-)   Much has happened since my last post.  Emerald has finished her first semester in college and is getting acclimated to campus life(so much so, I have a hard time getting her to come home for a visit.)  She has an amazing opportunity to go to Chicago for a summer internship!!  God is amazing and faithful in providing her this chance to reach out and minister to children in a place she would not have been able to do otherwise. 

Rebekkah has recently hit "double digits" and I am amazed to see what a wonderful young lady she is becoming!!!  She continues to dance and made team this year!   Needless to say, she has little spare time to do much else but loves being busy.  Hard to believe my baby has a busier social calendar than I do.  lol

Noah is honing in on being a full fledged teenager!  How on Earth did this happen???  He also dances and loves it.  He is 110% boy and can usually be seen running Mach 6 with his hair on fire.  Bike riding, tree climbing playing in the neighborhood with anyone that comes within 100 feet if him.

William and I continue to be the tired parents of four amazing children.  They are true blessings from God.  We cherish each and every day we get to spend with them, molding and shaping them into the adults we desire for them to become.

No, I have not forgotten Nathaniel.  In fact, he is the reason I decided to post today.  April brings us to Autism Awareness Month and this holds a special place in my heart.  As many of you know, Nathaniel has Asperger Syndrome, which falls under the autism "umbrella."  While raising a child with "special needs" is a challenge, it is one I would not trade for the world.  Sometimes I have wondered "why me?" and "why him?" but I have learned to embrace our unique situation and delve deeper into learning as much as I can.  Thus, I can help Nathaniel, myself and anyone who happens to meet him.  We are learning more everyday, trying our best to remember that God is carrying us through this learning process.  That He is more than able to equip us to raise this amazing young man.  Have you ever wondered why some things are allowed to come our way?  Yeah, me too, but I am learning that while all of us want that "perfect" family and want things to be just "so", that is not reality.  I am the mother of four very different, distinct personalities and I want to embrace everyday with  a love and passion for them, as my Heavenly Father has for me.  While dealing with Nathaniel and some of the struggles we face, I think how much God must wish I would not do things to make Him think, "what on Earth are you doing THAT for?"  I know many times I have thought that about things Nathaniel does and/or says.  My love for him does not change, much like God's love for me doesn't change when I do off the wall things.  Nathaniel is teaching me far more than I ever thought I could ever learn from one person!!  So, all this rambling to say, thank you God for giving me the opportunity to be part of the plan you have for Nathaniel's life.  He is a true blessing and I know You will guide me through this journey and will help me face each day with a new outlook.  YOU ARE AMAZING!!!!

Dear Old Man Winter,

As much as I love the many aspects of the winter season, celebrating Jesus' birthday, a new year and maybe even a touch of snow. I really want you to GO AWAY!!!!! Enough is enough.

Love,

Michelle